Unusually Quiet.

   For quiet some time now, I have been re-evaluating my life.  It has been, and continues to be a long process.  Mostly due to my own stubborn, pick yourself up by your boot straps and keep moving attitude.  Lately however, I can't help but  long for and revel in silence and stillness.  

   For those of you who don't know me..........that is a VERY strange thing!  I am what you would call a "social butterfly".  I love hustle and bustle, chatting with friends, and even some complete strangers from time to time.  I love facebook, text messages, emails, phone calls, going out for coffee, hanging out and having dinner, you name something that has to do with people and I usually will make time to be there!  

   Knowing this about me, it would seem strange if I told you I only have been checking my Facebook twice a day or so.......I rarely check my email, and my inbox has been pretty empty lately.  This is to do with my longing to be "present" in my own life.  Not just a peripheral character.

   I can tell you what I have been doing instead...........I have just been (quiet) still and calm.  I have been reading..... my bible, magazines, a great book, many blog sites of great women of faith,spending time with my children, shopping with my Mom........AND I have been MOURNING over who I used to be.............. I lost her somewhere............between raising kids, paying bills, leaving our church, football, cheerleading, illness and injuries, arguments that were pointless with judgmental people, and absolute heartbreaking tragedy............I lost "me".  

    I lost the "me" who loved to sing, dance, laugh, worship..........the "me" who would often burst into tears over the beauty of nature, new life, new Christians..............the "me" who had passion for the gospel, loved fellowship with believers, the "me" who loved to create beauty, who enjoyed making my house a HOME......... and the "me" who prayed............without ceasing...............who talked to God day and night, in good and bad......................

   I am desperately trying to get that "me" back...........it has been years of layers, of dirt and grime, of anger and bitterness, of disappointment and sorrow, of betrayals and loss, to get me to where I am now...........and some how, it "crept" up on me. 


  It had to...........you don't just go from daily fellowship with God to silence over night and NOT notice...........it creeps in like that awful wild grapevine I fought for over ten years at our home in Elgin.  You cut it back and everything looks beautiful.  The trees stretch out their limbs, take in the sunlight, and everything is right in the world.  But the truth is......all you did by cutting back the vines was make it stronger..........make it determined to prevail!  If you leave it for even one season without keeping it in check..........it has crept back in, with a vengence!

   So it is with our relationship with the world..........left unchecked............it creeps in and chokes out all our Joy......

    So here I am..........trying to cut away all the vines...........so I can breathe...........and find "me" again..............I will not go down without a fight!    I am working at my game plan daily, I fail often.  But quitting is not an option.  

   I am trying to retreat into the arms of the Savior.  So that he can rescue me from this awful place I am in..........this place where I don't even recognize myself anymore.   I know you are all praying for me and I truly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.  The books below are two that I am currently working in daily to help write down my thoughts and prayers.  They are simple, thought provoking,and reflective.  

Some tools for along the way. 

Helpful in making myself ask some difficult "me" questions.

 Many Blessings to you all............Paula <3